Note of love to my Cat Smokey who passed away Dec 26 2019.

 Smokey love started when he was 5 weeks old and even after his death my heart is still love him and my eyes cry for him because i attached to him ,to his memory, his action and routine, his personality and charm.

In life, things always go wrong when we depend on another for fulfillment.

When we depend on another to fill us up, our well-being is contingent upon countless factors complete out of our control. Love can heal and transform your life. It can hurt and cause stress too.

And yet, we go back to love time and time again. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we continue to put ourselves in harm’s way without a second thought? Love is so powerful and profound that transcends even the tyranny of death. Love is unlimited by time and space. Love is so much more than emotion, for when you love you transcend the temporal and enter the eternal. Love teaches us to live in the dual awareness of the physical and spiritual.

The fundamental problem is a lack of self-worth. It’s a lack of self-worth that draws us towards others in an attempt to feel loved. It all comes down to an issue of love.

True love between people is in fact possible, and it can be a beautiful part of life, but if acted on without wisdom and understanding it almost always becomes a source of great suffering. Relationships aren’t bad; it’s when we try to fulfill our need for love in others that things go wrong.

Many of us had bad experience and heartbroken stories, and that because we attached practically our entire source of peace, happiness, and self-worth to being with that person to the point where when you lose her /him you felt completely empty, and some committed suicide over it.

Falling in love promises us a total escape from the humdrum of everyday life and a flurry of intense emotions like few things allow us to experience.

Ultimately, if you have no other concept of something higher than it, you inevitably gravitate towards intimate love.

But there is something higher- true love. It’s available to you in every moment of every day and doesn’t depend on finding romantic love.

The ways we suffer because of love

Intimate love can be a beautiful and wonderful part of life, just in the way that connecting with anyone deeply can be very fulfilling, but at the heart of your being it can’t take the place of true love. True love can only be cultivated from within yourself.

Love,  is the ever-present nature of all things. It’s a love defined by compassion, caring, and kindness towards ourselves and all other beings.

When we have true love, we feel as though everything is at peace. When we lack true love, we feel as though there’s a crevice within our hearts which we just can’t fill no matter what we do to try and fill it.

The problem is many of us don’t know true love exists, let alone how to cultivate it, most importantly starting with love for ourselves (self-love). And as a result, the place we most often go to fill ourselves up is through intimate relationships.

The pain we feel as a result of intimate relationships doesn’t just come from the disappointment when a relationship goes wrong though, it happens on all stages of the search for, and act of being in, love:

  1. Having not found someone yet, but still placing our sense of fulfillment in being with someone, we feel empty and as if our life has yet to begin.
  2. Being with someone, but still not feeling fulfilled, we become confused and frustrated and sometimes that even leads to adultery.
  3. When our partner doesn’t fully align with the image of our ideal partner in our heads we’re left confused and frustrated and end up either forcing the person to become someone else or quitting on the relationship altogether.
  4. When our love leaves this life, we’re once again left feeling empty because our entire sense of self-worth had always been placed upon them. The suffering we feel when we lose a loved one is real and unavoidable, but it’s something we can either be ruled by or overcome through equanimity.

The reason we suffer is always the same: we search out intimate relationships with others in an attempt to fill the feeling of “voidness” in our hearts due to a lack of self-love (or true love, which is boundless and includes all beings).


Self-love is possible for everyone and there are easy and practical ways to cultivate it, both as formal daily practices and as informal practices within daily life.

The most important thing is to allow this idea to sit within your consciousness:

You don’t need someone to be happy and at peace. Fulfillment does not require intimate love, it only requires true love which is cultivated from within.

The more aware you become of this idea the more you’ll begin to see things arise within your life and in your mind that align with this idea, and the more easily you’ll be able to move towards it.

Below, you’ll find 3 major ways in which intimate love attempts to keep us from peace and happiness along with my suggestions for what to do about them:

  1. Transcending the idea that “I need someone to be happy/feel complete”

Whether you’re with someone now, or are seeking a partner, this is arguably the most critical point because it deals directly with the heart of the matter- looking outside of you for fulfillment.

Loving-kindness meditation is a great “formal” (as in daily, scheduled) practice which can be done easily in a few minutes at any time of day.

By practicing loving-kindness meditation you’ll not only begin to generate self-love, but love for all beings, and those will both serve you infinitely for the rest of your life.

  1. Overcoming attachment to an idea and accepting the person as they are

If you love a person, you say to that person, “Look, I love you, whatever that may be. I’ve seen quite a bit of it and I know there are lots that I haven’t seen, but still it’s you and I want you to be what you want to be. And I won’t be happy if I’ve got you in a cage. You’d be a bird without song.”

– Alan Watts

consciousness, many of us have developed certain ideas about what our perfect partner would be, or will be, like.

This isn’t just unrealistic; it’s harmful because our imagination will never match up to any living and breathing person.

What ends up happening is we search out someone based on these imaginary qualities, hoping to fulfill as many as possible in one person, and then pursue. Once we’ve been with the person for some time though we realize they’re not our perfect man or women and have a number of their own faults or “flaws”.

These faults or flaws are really just moments where the idea we have in our heads of the perfect lover doesn’t add up with the real person though, wherein we naturally resist and cause friction with the reality of things.

Some people try to change the person, some people don’t bother and decide to go elsewhere, and some bang heads endlessly not even completely sure what’s wrong with the relationship in the first place.

But we need to realize that our partner won’t ever match up to this perfect image in our minds. This image is nothing but an idea. An unrealistic idea perpetuated by fantasies, not reality.

But that’s totally OK, because if you take the time to truly accept the person as they are, something interesting happens.

You not only realize they’re perfect just as they are, but, now having the right water and sunlight, they blossom into the beautiful flower you know them to be. This is the power of true love.

In mindfulness practice, we’re nonjudgmental with what arises. We accept whatever arises fully and openly without labeling it “bad” or “good” or dividing reality in any which way.

We welcome what comes with the fullness of our being. And when we do this, good and bad fall away and what we’re left with is a grounded sense of peace and equanimity.

In just the same way, when we discover someone whom we can love and trust we need to be willing to openly accept them fully if we ever hope to experience their true beauty.

Keep in mind though, doing this you need to establish a firm base of self-love before anything else can happen. We can’t expect to have the confidence to let go and allow the other person to be who they are without first being able to stand on our own two feet.

Plus, simply the light mindfulness shines on these issues often makes them lose much of their power.

  1. Cultivating the equanimity to let go of a lost love

This is perhaps the most difficult of the three points I mention here.

This includes not just someone who got away, but most especially when your longtime love leaves this life, and as a result leaves you feeling empty and meaningless.

In such situations, it’s not realistic to think that the pain we feel for a lost love will just float away one day. Sometimes in life we experience things that are unavoidable and will affect us deeply.

But the problem isn’t that these things happen. The problem is that we’re still attaching our sense of self-worth to them to the point where we’re not just deeply saddened and sorrowful but altogether paralyzed by the lose of their presence.

Life goes on, and human beings have a remarkable ability to get back up and move on, finding real happiness even just a short while after a traumatic experience. But we need to give ourselves the opportunity to be happy again, and so long as we attach our sense of self-worth to the person we’ll never be let free.

To practice loving kindness with ourselves is to set ourselves free in a very real sense. It gives us the ability to fill the illusory void which exists in our hearts and move on with our lives in peace.

True love is a very significant teaching, not just in Buddhism but in many of the world’s spiritual traditions. True love hints at the understanding of interconnectivity between all beings, the interbeing nature of all things and people.

With diligent meditation practice, we can begin to realize the truth of this universal love for ourselves, even if only slightly at first. When this happens, we can begin to see others in a stronger light, as if the lines which once separated “you” from “them” have started to fade.

In this way, by practicing mindfulness in day-to-day life and connecting with others in positive ways, we can see our love in those we meet and interact with.

This doesn’t just expand our true universal love, but it also helps us come to peace with those we’ve lost (it’s all connected).

No matter what stage you’re at on your path to pursuing intimate love, you don’t need another to make you whole.

Intimate love between two people can be beautiful and amazing, if both partners can move beyond attachment and on to a place of “whole-heartedness”, but know that at the heart of your being you’ll always have everything you need within you to realize true peace and happiness just as you are.


1. Greets me at the door. recognises the sound of my  car in a busy street, and another’s two cats sit on the garden wall waiting for me to come home from work.

2. Follows me around. Does your cat come and hang out with you, in a sort of casual, hey what are you doing, oh taking a shower, well, I’ll just sit down then, way? That’s love.That what Smokey did always in the garden or shower or beside my computer.

3. Stares at me . Unsettling. But cats only make direct eye contact with people they really like. Smokey did it 

4. Blinks at me so many times , i used to think he had sand in his eye but it is a sign of love, . A long slow blink is a cat equivalent of a kiss. Do it back. But only if no one is watching.

5. Meows at me in different tone and pitches . Cats don’t meow to other cats, only to humans. This is my best cat fact. Your cat is talking to you. Your cat is telling you it loves you. Also: purring. Loudly. Meows are done with frequencies like morse code , small, medium and long sometimes, small and small or small and large or mix of 2 or 3 of these each mean something.  

6. Tolerates affection. My cats lets me kiss them, even though they clearly doesn’t like it. They may duck, but ashley and smokey doesn’t run away, and I consider this a victory and they kiss me back.

7. My cats Does not bite me . My cats  have never bitten me , and if they do they will do it softly

8. Does bite you. Biting playfully is a sign of affection, all my 3 cats do this including Smokey God bless him.

9. Head-butts . When cats do this they are depositing their pheromones on you, and marking you as “theirs”. They love you, they really love you. All my cats do this .

10. Comes to fetch you. When my cat feels I’ve been in bed too long, she comes upstairs and meows until I get up. I now close the bedroom door at night. They scream or touch my hand and burrr to wake me.

11. Breaks into your bedroom. Does your cat repeatedly thump the door, scratch the carpet or mew loudly and constantly outside the door? It is  routine for them and they take a pride of waking you up .

12. Touches you.  my cats  taps me with their paw. Unbearably cute.

13, Licks my face or hand . An honour – you are considered part of your cat’s family. (Also their tongues are rough and provide excellent exfoliation.) let them do that as it is part of telling that they love you , trust you and appreciate you.

14. Kneads you. Like dough. Kittens do this to their mothers when they are feeding to increase milk supply, your cat thinks you are its mother and adores you, and you are their master and caretaker .

15. Brings you presents. Cats love giving gifts! Popular choices are mice and birds, but don’t discount frogs or worms. Smokey used to bring me dragonfly. 

16. Gets jealous.  Cats are  jealous of your computer , book or new paper or anything take your attention from them like TV, SO THEY COME BESIDE YOU FRONT OF YOU OR SIT ON YOUR BOOKS AND NEWSPAPER , My cat used to shred my paper.

17. Trips you up. Annoying perhaps, fatal, in the end (for you, not the cat). But when cats throw themselves to the ground in front of you or weave through your legs as you walk downstairs carrying a heavy tray of crockery, they are obviously telling you they idolise you. All my 3 cats do this smoke is gone and hat leave me with the other 2 cats 

18. Makes a point. If you leave them for some time or go away they get sad and upset and mad at you, for one or 2 days to tell you that’s wasn’t fair to leave me alone. 

19. Sulks. When I returned from a short trip my cat refuses to come out of the study for two days. But she wasn’t aloof enough to stop herself meowing delightedly whenever I went in there.I know he miss me and care.

20. Sits on your lap. Constantly. If I am seated for more than a few seconds the cat materialises.

21. Sits on other parts of you. Like your head, neck and thats love and control 

22. Shows you their belly – the most vulnerable part of the cat. They trust you. they sleep belly up front of you like a dog.

23. Stays. “They let you live in the same house as they do.” they control the place , marked it and they are in control they tell you when to shut the light of down the loud music or time to sleep.

24. Doesn’t say no when you repeatedly ask “do you love me?” they blink, my cat kiss me when i say give me a kiss  , she bud her head and let me kiss her, smokey let me kiss his head.

25. Each cat show love differently and in time you will know you have to study her face, eyes, meow sound, tail, body curve and jester, look and action.

Steve Ramsey 

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